This might sound harsh, but if you are spiraling and feeling overwhelmed, is not about the things happening in your life. Yes, the emotional, mental and physical demands of life can be incredible, but spiraling is about something bigger. It’s about a lack of trust in yourself, and a lack of tools to help you get back on track. These are things you can change, and if you do, your inner world will start to be spiral proof!
There is NO SHAME here. If anything, this just highlights the impossible expectations we tend to live under. We want to stop spiraling, but schools, parents and life rarely hand us the right tools! Imagine trying to bake a cake without an oven, pan, bowl or spoon. No one can bake a cake without any tools! Did you ever try mixing cake batter in the air with just your hands? Did you ever try making a cake without an oven?
Yet, somehow, we think we should be able to not just live life, but we should be beautiful, rich, successful, have a family, be happy, and do it all with few if any actual tools to help ourselves emotionally, mentally and spiritually. The good news is, that with a few tools and some practice, making a cake and living a happy life without big spirals is totally possible!
The truth I have found in my own life, is that spirals have decreased, even as responsibility and demands on me have increased. How could this be? Because I have worked on myself to become a “master chef” of emotional management, so the things that used to throw me off, do not even register as issues anymore. Bake a cake? I can do that in my sleep! Baking 20 cakes? Still easy, I have practiced it so much, that more of the same doesn’t scare me!
Here is an example, 15 years ago, it went to my car and it didn’t start. I spiraled. I was afraid I would need to buy a new car, I didn’t have the money, I was stressed I’d be late for my appointment and be judged, I asked myself why bad things kept happening to me, I ruminated on how I got such bad luck, I didn’t know how to get it repaired, etc. My mind went on and on in a fight-or-flight mode and that honestly made everything worse. I stated shaking, I froze, I didn’t know what to do next. It literally ruined my day.
I realized how much I had grown when recently, I went to my car, realized I had a flat tire and my entire emotional response was, “bummer, that was unexpected.” I didn’t know how to fix a tire or replace it. But I didn’t stress at all! Instead, I used the tools I have developed and practiced the last 10 years. I validated that it threw a lot of plans off but also affirmed myself that I was a flexible and adaptable person who could gracefully roll with the unknowns of life. I encouraged myself to remember that peace was a bigger priority than anything else in my life, because with peace comes clarity and direction and happiness. I encouraged myself to remember that bad things are 5% what happens and 95% how we react and I was in control of writing that narrative, no one else would. So, I took a practical step to start by asking someone who knew about what to do and they helped me, and I moved on with my day.
YOU can have this power, too! Below is a free look at a 4-step tool I created and use when I feel myself spiraling and want to get back to loving life again.
- Validate whatever you are feeling. Validating doesn’t mean we “should” feel that way, it doesn’t mean the feeling is right or wrong, it just means it’s there and it’s being honest about what we think. “I feel exhausted” “I feel so overstimulated” “I feel powerless” “I feel embarrassed.” Remember, this emotion is about you, nothing and no one else. I might even add a thank you! “Thank you, powerless feeling, for helping me realize this is an area where I can reclaim my power!”
- Love yourself. Love transforms faster than hate, anger, or criticism. Encouragement helps us get out of our negative spiral and focus on our power. Always lead with a positive observation, followed by a more loving way of thinking if necessary. “I am doing my best and it’s okay that everyone has limits.” “I appreciate myself for wanting to hold it together for so long when I am struggling, that is what I was taught to do and I was trying to do things right. But that is not the best method to be a happy. Instead, I need to give myself what I need now.” “No one can truly control any other person or situation, and healthy people know that even if unhealthy ones judge me.”
- Identify the need and a strategy to get it. “I need 5 minutes of quiet time.” “I need to prioritize better sleep tonight above everything on my list.” “I need to remember other people are responsible for their moods and actions, not me.” “I need to start by using Chat GPT to find a practical next step.” “What is one thing I can try that might help right now?”
- How might I prevent this, or improve the dynamic if this happens again? This is an important step to help us feel more confident going forward! If we feel like the thing that derailed us is solvable and we will be better at dealing with it the next time around, we grow our emotional capacity and resilience! There is one less thing on our list of things we are afraid might happen and ruin our day, and we are one step closer to being freer!
Now image this: if practice and intention with this 4-step tool was the only thing you had to master in order to stop spiraling?
By practicing taking these 4 steps, you will very quickly start to feel the process become automatic! These days, I don’t need to print it out, rehearse it, or keep it on the fridge to remind myself. After a while, your brain simply rewires this to be your normal process and you get to focus your time and energy on enjoying life without emotional swings!
If you want help mastering this method fast, reach out for a free consultation, to learn how I can help you be the person you want to be!